Where is my cool?

*picks up mic*
*clears throat*

I have a feeling I am no longer as cool as I used to be.

I am currently a twenty something year old who hardly parties anymore or tries out new stuff...its the kind of twenty something where you spend 70% of your day scared of the future and praying really hard you don't end up a failure. All your past mistakes flash before your eyes.... like that time you drunk too much and had a one night stand with a total stranger that probably did not look so healthy...too skinny maybe? Thin hair...*makes the catholic cross sign*. Oh boy oh boy! ...., that kind of thinking can suck the life out of anybody. 

My brother who is 17  could also be a major contributor to my feelings of being uncool. He somehow  thinks am old enough to be his guardian. Every god damn time he goes broke he hits me up ....sending me messages that prove too hard to understand. I know I misuse English but this little dude takes it to a whole new level....with x x's and abbreviations of words that are too short to be abbreviated in the first place. ..."hae d.a xiz xtill wain' 4 de cash" *screams* he somehow gets the spelling of CASH right though and when did 'dear' turn to 'd.a'? P.s I should be the fun sister he talks to about girls and fun stuff not pocket money and how hard life is. Anyway, I am putting him up for adoption...I hope its not too late. (Anyone interested in raising a hormonal teenager?) Maybe if I get rid of him I can feel young and cool again.

Being my age also means I need to be in a stable relationship otherwise am branded a grasshopper  ..eating here and there!  I am not complaining, in fact being taken comes with a lot of perks...like...like...ummh.., love! Yes, like love...but have you seen how hot men are getting this days?! Eh? Where were they during my single days...(1946) Back in the day most dudes I hang out with were either broke drunkards or immature kids who needed a ten year course on how to treat a woman. Now ...its raining gentlemen left right and centre, and i cant even flirt. Smh....

Somebody help me find my cool again!:

*walks away sheepishly*
*probably bumps into something *
*runs back to return the mic*

My Dress my Choice!

I happened to watch the video of the lady who was stripped naked by some stupid ass, broke ass, horny ass touts who've probably not seen any p*#sy since their mothers pushed them out! Poor woman... It is so heartbreaking what nairobi has turned into. If it were some "nyangechoma" village maybe we could excuse their barbaric behavior but Nairobi cbd?? Washamba hao....and what makes it worse is the double standards those horny pricks have. Were it a white woman in a hot pant passing by, none of them would even bat an eye....but god forbid its one of their own!! Such moral hypocrisy *spits in disgust*

If Niggers pulled that shit on me...ooh I tell you, bullets would fly...bodies would drop, I would probably kill their young and eat them raw just to express my disapointment...then maybe turn to vodoo and kill them slowly with dark magic to let the world know of my anger and finally...(yes shit is going down!)...*insert evil laugh for dramatic effect*.....I would burry them in unmarked graves as I let go of the pain and humiliation! (Too dark?) Muhahaha...

Anyway, in which century do you as a man undress a woman for showing too much skin? What is the logic behind that? I bet the homopithecus woman walked naked and nobody ripped their body hairs off in protest! Nkt!! May their daughters be treated the same way they treat women!
#mydressmychoice you don't like it? Don't stare... better yet, rip your god damn eyes off.

The best thing to do when you spot someone dressed like a funny looking skank....laugh! Laugh it off behind their backs like a normal person and let it slide. Its never that serious!! 

Click here to watch the gruesome video.

Nobody Cares!

"Nobody is interested in your success other than you!!"...  I remember our lecturer telling us that in class and students mumbling in detest but honestly speaking, ...I couldn't agree with him more! You think people lose sleep over that promotion you are waiting for? Nobody gives a fuck,  believe me... Unless of cos they depend on you financially .

Your failures on the other hand....ooh.... now that, hahaa..people live for that shit. They enjoy saying stuff like, "poor dude, whatever happened to him? He had so much potential" ..."nilijua tu hakuna place atafika"  blah blah blah .... in fact, they will bond over your failures! High fives will fly as they laugh out loud and friendships will be formed between your common enemies ...  it is just the way of the world  but we are sometimes too blind to notice. I do not live in a dark world as most of you are probably thinking right now..all am saying is, Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

So the next time you want to post a picture or a status informing people how hard you hustle and how much you aspire to make it in life...remember this, Nobody Cares!! Work in silence and let your success make the noise. But hey, what do I know!

Njoki Chege

I recently read the hyped up article by Njoki Chege and here is the vibe I got about her which am guessing all the pissed off men did to.......not that it matters but am just going to put it out there nonetheless;
1. Her idea of a romantic setting is one with a diamond in it. You know, if you hail from Roysambu or south B there is no way you could match up to her standards unless you are a jewelry thief.

2. Her hobby is collecting romantic antiques...rich old geezers. If you are below the age of 34...you are probably too young, immature and definitely too broke. Your cheap Subaru imprezzas don't impress her!

3. Her motto is; dough or die!! Get it? ...doh, mulla, doh!!! Sadly that is the motto of most modern day spinsters. So its fair to say she is an aspiring spinster.

4. Its hard to figure out what she would have found attractive about men if she had lived before money was invented. Honestly though,... take away the three million cars, fancy dinners, broke men that repulse her for their inability to feed their mouths past the 15th of every month and what do you have left to stir some emotion in her?...... * still thinking**....I would have to go with the village elders maybe or the village loner that did not participate in drinking ceremonies...lol

5. She brings out the worst in men...all eligible bachelors consider her too high maintenance and fake to bother hitting on while all the men she wants, are too busy being married to even notice her desperate rants.

6. She harbors great sympathy for the 34 year old lonely man who needs someone to share his bank account and big cars with....but hardly notices the mature well behaved 34 year old that rides Kenya bus from south B to his humble job.

7. She may get married someday (though am still betting on the spinster thing) .....she is just waiting for the right amount to come along!

Not that her article was extreme or anything, in fact most girls echo her sentiments in the privacy of their friendship circles. If I was to take a wild guess, I would say 95 percent of girls want to date a rich guy and anyone that tells you otherwise is a lying pretentious wh0re!

As a man you are probably thinking , '' but my girl loyal and I ain't got no cash!" Haha...Well, let me burst that bubble you are living in before you run out of air....That bitch has seen potential in you and she knows its worth the wait. She will stick around because the future is bright. Women are very calculative creatures...believe me, It not your over the top sex game as you previously imagined!! ...and if it is, then you are getting dumped as soon as she realizes amazing sex won't fend for her children!
Unless of cos you decide to go professional and become a Man whore.

Anyway the point of all this yardie yarda is....people don't go saying that shit on respectable mass media, it should be reserved for gutter press like this blog. So next time miss Chege , avoid using money-syllables!!

*just so you know I lie in the 5% that don't give a fuck about money*

Naming ceremony

I recently changed my blogs Name from one step at a time to Random Rants. Reason? Well one step at a time sounds so encouraging and life changing...which is so misleading because I never post life changing stories.
I am a journalist without a purpose, all I do is rant. Rant about my life, rant about men, friends and sometimes, I take it to a whole other level and rant about the universe. What am trying to say is, am too busy ranting to encourage any lost soul.

So its official, Random Rants will be the name of my blog until am ready to be the fountain of encouragement from which all thy poor souls can sip from. But till I get that life changing call to help make the world a better place, deal with your own problems and read more motivational blogs.
Me, a'l just be here ranting and offloading all the stress that has come to define my life. Xoxo

Sins of Men

Here lies a list of things I hate in
Men! I call them the sinful traits of men...Those with such traits should be arrested and burned at the stake (OK that's a bit extreme) but you get the drift....

The Conquest Man
Now this is the kind of man that  keeps tab on all the pussy he's put his dick in. His main aim in life is to copulate with more women than mswati himself. Where do I even start on this one...well its kiddish, immature, evil, witchcraft, abomination, ebola-ish, apocalyptic and plain sad! And Just when you think it cant get any worse with this type they go telling people, even girls they hope to bang the number they've conquered! Chill dude, my pussy is not a game of thrones kingdom. How do you even count? Throw a stone in a jar every time you have sex? Baah, so disgusting! That is how people get Cervical cancer!

The Stingy man
Live within your means but by all means spoil me within your means. Some guys though...Eish!! mkono wa birika I tell you! Not that I need
Chanel or Gucci but dude make an effort. Some men will call you over bang the living hell out of you and send you off with twenty Bob fare. The only reason you get the twenty Bob is to make sure you don't spend the night at their place! Advice to such Jamaas...invest in a pocket pussy *clears throat* obviously you will save more of those twenty bobs. Cheap bastards nkt!!

The Mtaa Guy
You know, that dude that says ,"utanipea vitu mrembo" translate that to any language and its still the most mtaa shit av ever heard.... and no! "Hakuna vitu unapata hapa buda, jipe shughli"
Unless you are "Alejandro" which is synonym for sexy ass man! Don't be vague about sex....please don't! Chances are, you will end up in jail with sexual harrasment charges!

The Self proclaimed Bad Boy
Hahahaha! Nigga pliz ...that shit stopped being cute 5 years ago when we were still teenagers!  Get in tune with your age. A twenty something year old bad boy is called an irresponsible man. Now you know.