Drunk Dialing

I cannot look myself in the mirror right now, and its not because of the pale look am wearing this morning as a result of drinking myself silly yesterday. I am more embarrassed with the events that took place and honestly, i feel like a disgrace to all collected ladies out there.
Am the only person i know that seems to think alcohol is the perfect medium of communication. so what do i do? every time i get drunk, i think of all the things i could never bring myself to say sober and dial up people to give it to em.

Yesterday was no different, i called up my usual victim and to be frank with you, i don't even remember what i was telling the poor guy. I went on and on without giving him the chance to talk and when he finally got an opportunity, all he could say was, ''Kate, am gonna hang up!" yeah , somebody please shoot me in the head right now.

Next was a very cool guy, Lucky Man was hanging out with his dad so i settled for texting instead....just to recall a few of the dreadful messages ''I don't care how gangster you are you better treat me like a lady,'' ''I don't want this shit no more" ''fuck this crap'' ''if you with your dad or whoever..'' I cant go on....
To make matters worse he wont pick up my call this morning. How do i even start apologizing. I should be arrested for last nights heinous phone crimes....but the feeling i have this morning is punishment enough. Trust me.

Just Blubber

 Its amazing the number of perverted friends i have on Facebook. Every time i share a post tagged sex... 90 percent of the traffic is from you guys, yes you! i see you!! I get double the hits,but the problem with getting amazing hits on a post is, the next day i feel very blank and empty. its like every idea i come up with sounds shitty as hell.

Anyway, am thinking of writing about careers and education and tagging it ''blow jobs'' or  ''is it time to try anal?'' God, that sounds dirty! yes,... i feel very ashamed of myself right now. What kind of woman says such disgusting things?lol

Point is, i wanna get you guys reading constructive material. Like the recent university strike and all the problems facing Kenya! Politics and the likes. hahaha!! who am i kidding?, that is never happening! just know this,.....

So yesterday on my way home i got hit on by a drunk conductor....that's how a one hour journey feels like five hours. He showed me the money he made in that one round... Squeezing himself next to me! Asking for my number and promising future free rides. why am i even telling this story? i was so embarrassed and am really hoping no one in that city shuttle knew me.

And today i woke up to a watsapp message from my cousin asking if i stalk my Exes!! No, accusing me of stalking my exes!!I plan on writing about that itchy topic on my next blog post. For now,.some of us have to work so,  Xoxo!!

Love and Sex

This post may contain graphic content considered offensive by some of you. Parental guidance is advised ...

So, advise to the wise from the wise lol , Never sleep with a person you are in love with!! No that came out wrong...more like never sleep with someone for the first time after you have fallen in love with them. Unconventional? think about it .....if he makes your heart skip a beat and distorts your breathing rhythm every time he walks by oh, and every time he touches you your stomach turns into a butterfly zoo, then what happens when he actually puts his *you know what* in your *you know what*? Heart attack? Death?

.All am saying is, it is not worth the risk.....
Not to mention the pressure that comes with it, performance is no longer one sided in this generation. Ladies also wanna put it down like its your freaking birthday and own your ass! My advice ? fuck him first then figure out the love thing later, and if you have already fallen for the Nigga ...DON'T DO IT! seriously though, do not! Friend zone his ass. Otherwise you'll just end up a love sick puppy, obsessed and wrecked.

You are all welcome!! xoxo

Nairobi Night Life.

Yesterday was epic! As a way of saying bye bye to alcohol (yes I still plan on quitting) ,I decided to go out with an old friend or rather my "high school sweet heart" in his own words. We were sipping a little bit and we thought, why not turn this up? His friend had a few joints and we decided to step out and light them up (notice how bad ass I sound right now)

After we were done breaking the Law, we started taking a stroll to waft the smell away from our clothes before we could go back to the club.

Apparently we were walking towards cops!! We had not seen them so we walked right into them... 

"Nyinyi kujeni hapa! " one of them yells at us. I have never been so freaked out in my entire life. I thought of running away since the one that called us was a little fat *no offence* but after having a look around and realising the place was swarmed with them i thought against it. And with the recent state of insecurity I would end up shot or something. How had we not seen them previously?

So we walked over to the cops trying to look sober and in the best behaviour a high person can fake. As we get close he says "Aiyaya Kwanza nini hiyo mnanuka?" He grabs the hands of one of the guys and smells them...and we know right there and then we are fucked! He does the same to Tim and I figure I should probably mask my smell so I dip my fingers in my cup so that they smell like liqueur instead

"Mnajua hiyo ni offence ya miaka kumi Na nne? Si hiyo ni bhangi? "

I can't handle jail. ..I would kill myself in there so I break into a silly choking laugh trying to make the guy less grumpy. Turns out that shit doesn't work if you are drunk coz then you just look drunk!!  

They start escorting us to their lorry all this time reminding us of the time we would probably face........more scary than it sounds really. One of them chucks hand cuffs and he wants to put them on one of the guys. ..I have never seen handcuffs before but I can assure you any dreams I had about bdsm just ended there! ! So they try to plead with them and even give them a little something. .*bribe* yes welcome to Kenya!! But the cops won't listen  all this time am standing a little further from them....trying to figure out how I can sneak away and go get my friend (Mose) so he can help bail his friends out. 

Turns out we were hanging out with one of themost street wise guys I have ever met ..when I say street, I mean like the real streets , the hood streets, convicted kind of streets. He comes up with the most amazing lie..

"Enyewe boss mi ni boys wa estlando and I wanted to show this rich girl I can really party (p.s I still wallow in poverty) sa Nimejikaza Nikamleta westie . (I had just met him through my friend) Huyu dame hata hajui amevuta nini sai buda. (P.s I can recognise weed from a mile away) blah blah" He goes on and on about how life is hard and the mistakes he has made chasing me..or shit like that.

This touches the cop enough he actually starts giving the dude fatherly advice on how chics are never worth the trouble and effort. In this "emotional" moment I manage to sneak away and go get my friend so he could help...but by the time we get back the cops had let them go. He even gave the dude his money back!! How often does that happen,?

Respect to Tim!!

The rest of the evening was filled with laughter, being the only girl I got to check out booty with the dudes. The images still haunt me! I have seen more botty than any woman should have to in one night. I  Listened to all the sex stories a lady can handle! ! Yes Men talk to...and their way of describing it is worse!! To say the least i was given a tour into the Minds of Men...and it is a filthy place!! 

Nonetheless it was the most fun I have had in a while.

By the way it's always nice to get reviews from you guys..from my fb inbox , watsapp messages to privately shared comments. I appreciate them...like this conversation I had:

MOSE: ...yea, she actually has a blog.

TIM: what is it about?

MOSE: It's like a female version of Nairobi Half Life ( movie )

TIM: But all the women in Nairobi Half Life are whores. ..

(Laughter)

(Silence)

(More laughter)

ME: It's just a journal. A'l send you the link Tim..

(Both Tim and Mose burst out laughing uncontrollably )

Till my next escapade ...xoxo.

Today

Today i will avoid talking about shit in my life and concentrate on the positive. Like my friends who i love to death and my family all of whom i care for deeply not to forget my amazing Man who is the major reason for my existence.

I will no longer dwell on people who do not add value to my life, i will learn to walk away cause i know am worth so much more and i realize i cannot turn evil people into good people. I know i have a high level of tolerance but I am not a miracle worker.

Today i learn not to sugar coat things ,to call a spade a spade and not a big spoon, to differentiate friendly teases from emotional abuse. To identify love in a heap of lust.

Today i open a new chapter in my life. a chapter filled with laughter joy and happiness. Today, i honor Kate and the people in Kate's life. I would be nothing without you guys.

Hope you all enjoy your weekends. My plan? Eat as much junk food as i can lay my hands on, go out with a few friends, you know, the usual. oh! am probably getting a tattoo this weekend...will update you on how that goes down!!
xoxo

Poor

At the risk of sounding 40, am gonna go right ahead and say this. Hip hop music is bad!! Yes, i just went there ....it is bad for your mind, soul and spirit and i would never advice anyone to listen to it. In fact if you are yet to decide on a genre of music, settle for jazz!!
Ever since i started listening to this destructive music (lil wayne and the likes) my dreams have changed from butterflies, babies and a nice home in the suburbs to guns, weed and running around with gangsters *no offence i still respect all hustle* .

To him every word rhymes with Nigga!!

Speaking of hustle, is anyone else finding this month too long for their money?its not even mid month, yet I shudder whenever i walk past a supermarket cause i know i have a long list of essentials that i need to buy! But then every time i actually gather enough courage to walk in.... i check out the prices and settle for a cheap bottle of liqueur instead . What have i become?

.........i know a'l be putting off grocery shopping till end of this month but that wont stop me from going out. Don't judge me I am still young so am allowed to have misplaced priorities.

Dysfunctional

They say a real relationship or rather friendship begins after your first argument, cause then you get to to see and experience the ugly side of a person. From that you can make up your mind on whether you are willing to overlook the ugly and let them into your life.
This weekend i went out with a certain "friend" of mine. I say friend in quotes cause even i don't know how to describe our relationship. It is complicated i guess, we try to reel each other emotionally in only to destroy and wreck whoever gets a little bit attached. To say the least it is dysfunctional and unhealthy. I know we've all been there!
So we are driving through Westlands and we get in a fight and the guy decides he wants to kick me out of his car,(he's got this mean streak going on)....it's in the middle of the night,we are on a street i do not recognize and am dressed in a little slutty dress (i do not feel very creative today so i wont waste time trying to paint a mental picture)....therefore, see below pic

...all this time am thinking, there is no way in hell am getting out of this car! dressed like that i was probably going to get mugged and raped or best case scenario get arrested by cops thinking am a prostitute! You think that's far fetched? Get this, two of my friends got arrested one time under similar circumstances they are lucky it did not end up in their records! LOL
Back to that depressing story.... I sat there really quiet and hating myself for leaving the house in the first place, contrary to what most of you think of me, am a pretty soft and squishy person on the inside, wearing a tough face is just survival mechanism. I kinda broke down crying which is a little bit embarrassing but who can blame me?
Anyway he later apologized but i still think he should be marched through the streets and have people throw rotten tomatoes and fruits at him, .......

well, a girl can only dream i guess!!









The rest of the evening turned out pretty great by the way, i had a perfect excuse to get drunk! and who knew drinking at a parking lot could actually be fun? Too bad am quitting alcohol, i know it sounds cliche but i plan on following through with it...twelve steps and all. I have come to realize that most of my drama is alcohol related and i need a drama free life. Call it maturity.

Prince Charming

There comes a certain time in every woman s life when everyone is up on your neck about Marriage. Ladies you probably know what am talking about. I would like to think of myself as a little too young for that but my mum and aunt think different. The first time i told them i was working at the airport, their reactions were "Nice so when are you bringing your pilot boyfriend home?" NO! i do not unbutton my shirt every time a plane touches down and flirt with the captain. 

Not to forget the time i was joining university in Eldoret and they were so sure my children would be amazing runners! get it? 

You know what, chances are i will end up getting married to a teacher, someone i can see every single day and get three whole months a year to just hang in the house with. Or maybe it will be a drug lord....LOL you know how it is, one can never be so sure with this things.

For now, am just waiting to see which one turns into my prince charming....

Uganda Shananigans

For Labor day i decided to take a road trip to Uganda ,Kampala!! I know, am totally cool and spontaneous! Well, road trip is just a fancy way of saying i could not afford an air ticket so i opt to sit in a Matatu for close to twelve hours all in the name of travelling.

Knowing me you already have a rough idea of how hectic that trip turned out. It all started at our first stop over, i could not locate the car i was in since there were so many similar vehicles parked at the same place. I had to ask a random chic if she had seen me in the car she was in! I know,at times i can ask the dumbest questions . She just gave me a blank look and I walked away looking like a crazy woman.

Luckily i had made a friend out of my seatmate Jeremy who came to my rescue....which reminds me, he kept on speaking English with a funny accent and every time i tried to change the language to Swahili he'd look at me all weird....turns out he was, in his own words "Najeran" (Nigerian)  not to sound stereotypical but, i find it a little fishy he was travelling to Eldoret for only a day to "visit"! Fishy huh? I know.... and i couldn't shake this feeling he was hiding something in his bag! He was a little bit too shifty if you ask me...
His extreme friendly nature....see where am heading? Not to point fingers but....

CROSSING THE BORDER

Yeah i plan on having sub headings for this long labor day blog.
So check this out, in order to cross the border, you have to get on a boda boda (public transport motorbikes) which is scary as hell! if you don't fall over the bridge you are probably thinking, "am getting hit by a transit" ....where would i tell my parents i was going?? Cause am sure they would not get the ,"i love living on the edge pops" excuse.

Why is it so hard to find a friendly person in government offices? I had a nasty encounter with a certain officer just because i said passport instead of permit. He threw around a few disheartening words making sure everyone in the line heard him! even my very forced smile could not get him to shut up. That turned out to be a little embarrassing.

I cant quite describe the feeling you get when you change your cash to Uganda shillings! It worked well to cheer me up....

An instant millionaire!!







CLUB EXPERIENCE

First thing we decided to do in kampala was hit the club! My boyfriend(yes i have a boyfriend and no he is not imaginary) so my boyfriend recommends a certain club called Monalisa Royale, I am so excited to go clubbing in Uganda so first thing i do is 'check in' on Facebook. You know, let everyone know am getting drunk outside kenya.

We are charged 10000ugsh as entry fee since there is a certain performance going down and that just works to build up my excitement. I am all charged up and ready to hit the floor.... i even order local beer called Bell all in the spirit of Uganda.
The MC stops the music and starts talking in Buganda....i don't get what he is saying but i can tell it has something to do with the artist! Then i see him bringing up physically challenged people to the stage,,,,they lip sync to a few songs and people start giving them money.

Not to sound insensitive but that was a little bit depressing. How do i keep on drinking after that? To make matters worse he (MC) starts acting as though he has deformed lips and stretches his hands as well...,that was just wrong.
I don't usually leave liquor behind, but there was no way i was staying at that club any longer, that just ruined my rave morale and i sure as hell was not hitting any other club in Uganda.

I would later settle for shopping and eating Matoke with Chicken till i drop. Simply put the rest of my trip turned out great, i enjoyed every bit of it.I plan on posting a gazillion pictures on instagram through out this week!  I could go on and on with the tiny details but a'l probably end up boring you guys. Plus writing a travel post is kinda hectic,,,

Xoxo everyone!