Fifty shades of Grey

I just got to chapter 11 of fifty shades of grey and....lord Jesus! Jeso! Holy shit, is it hot in here? Phew!! Anyway, *fanning myself* am definitely a little bit excited by all the ravishing...the alpha male domineering, oh and the countless orgasms ooooh* what is it I wanted to write about again? ....oh yeah, the money concept!! But first, the depression that comes with reading the romantic rendezvous of Ana and Mr. Grey! How can one one woman be so lucky , every woman dreams of a perfect 'first time' with a bed full of rose petals, candles, endless big O's and yes, that dashing mr. Right to top up the fantasy. Sad how most ladies end up with a nasty first time experience! Probably makes you squirm thinking about it!huh? Or smile ...what do I care! Am too preoccupied with Ana's account...

Back to the real issue, I feel as though the money bit is what makes Mr Grey all the more attractive. Say Ana had gone to interview a guy in kariobagi who runs a ...jua kali business, lets just try and picture it for arguments sake, so this kariobangi guy is equally handsome, does she feel intimidated by the sight of him stroking his sweaty lip? And when he passes by the shop she works at, is it cute or stalker-ish? See what am to driving at?? As in, replace the helicopter ride with a matatu ride and Mr. Grey looses his sex appeal!! By the time he gets to the point of showing her his "play room" given the kariobangi situation she's running for the hills scared he's a serial killer with a very weird fettish!

Money has come to define romance in this day and age, if its not expensive and fancy its not romantic enough! And as long as there is money involved , its regarded right and romantic!! Money is the modern day language of love And guess what, the concept is slowly becoming socially acceptable! A rich and powerful man can sexually use you, he doesn't even have to give you cash, the thought of being wanted by a man that could have any woman he wants makes it all worth it. If he can give the world to you he can freely make you a sex slave and its ''romantic". Am about to start chapter 11, hope a'l still be immune to all the bullshit when am done reading it. Lovely Night fellow insomniacs!

Huddah...Hush!!!

I had sworn off the subject of Kenyan socialites but this just got to me...what you ask?
OK, so yesterday as am going through a few pictures on instagram I happen to come across a little video posted by pretty little miss thang' , goes by the name Huddah the boss chic , which is quite old coz nearly 15% of all girls on instagram call themselves bosses and am here wondering, "who dafuq are you a boss to?" Anyway back to the story... so in this little video she's wearing a pair of diamond earrings (we are yet to establish they were not some fakes made of glass) and she goes, "heeeee diayamonds!" And I immediately hide under the table wondering, is this how she speaks? So unpolished? With a heavy Kikuyu accent disguised as Naija accent? Is this what Kenya sounds like to her 162k followers? How has our Nation wronged you dear God?

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with accents but when you carry yourself like the creme Dela crème of society, you better act like it and speak like it even if it means faking it like her counterpart sidika does! Otherwise just shut up and let people idolize you in their heads as a flawless and eloquent woman! Do not spoil the fantasy that is "Huddah the boss chic"

So, the torture went on in another part 2 of the video,
Miss thang': How much did these cost you maaa nikahh? A million US dollars?
Mystery man that wants to bang her: one pont five millian dollars!!
Miss thang': eee, look at him!
(Huddahs heart skips a beat and her legs fly wide open)

THE END (sigh)

Chronic laziness

My life is in a rut right now ... I feel stuck in a very weird place and I am completely clueless on what I should do to make it  meaningful once again! I am currently the king(yes KING) of jobless corner and until i get a job i cant get anything done. I wake up, watch a comedy series, spread the bed , watch a few more episodes, eat a smokie, shower, watch the remaining episodes as i obsess over what to eat for supper, eat, internet, sleep. The next day i repeat the same boring routine! I think a'l just link up with my fellow jobless corner peeps at jeevanjee gardens soon! Just to break from the routine ...We can curse the education system and blame the government the entire day or whatever it is those guys do.

As a result of these deep feelings of uselessness , I am behind on my school project*make that two months behind *, i am not in a hurry to move into a house yet, ok maybe thats coz am so scared of going broke and getting kicked out by the landlord?! How embarrassing would that be? *heavens forbid*, i have temporarily quit applying for jobs mostly coz am tired of people asking if i got it! What's worse is that...I was thinking of taking up french classes in Nairobi aviation to keep me busy but with the recent expose by ntv maybe that's not a very good idea...they might end up teaching me luhya instead! And there is no way am joining alliance fraincè /francé *where is auto correct when you need it!?*....Don't get me wrong, its an amazing school but I cannot afford to make rich friends right now! I don't want people dragging me to java for a bite or stuff like that, am very comfortable and happy with my Sanford and kenchic buddies at the moment *no offense to you guys #nawapenda*.

Bottom line is, whether its a rut or just a case of chronic laziness I need to do something about it ASAP....okay, as soon as I finish this amazing comedy  am watching!

The "Happy holidays friends"

Its a brand new year!! Whoop! whoop! I will avoid complaining and start appreciating things and people around me more...yeah sit down and read my resolutions *am one of those guys* but first, I have to point out a tintsy wintsy thing that bugged me this festive season...

Ummmh... The "Happy holidays friends" God forgive me for being this unappreciative but... Am I the only one that got the long emotional messages from people I haven't spoken to in over a year! In fact, prolly *I hate that slang I meant to say probably but I have to conform to society's needs so...* prolly since last December..."we have been through a lot this year and I am so grateful to god to have had you by my side through it all. I do not know where I would have been without you. You are truly gods gift to me!  God bless you my dearest!"

Okay am taking the blessings but you can keep all the irrelevant forwarded mushy stuff that don't apply.... plus I would like to think am Gods gift to the world ...you know expand my horizons and stuff. Yeah, that came out right! Just the right amount of self absorbed.

Anyhu...I wanna point out a few other stuff that pissed me off but you know what?! Its a new year... I don't want to start it by "rubbing people the wrong way!" (Is that how that saying goes or did I just sound like a pervert?) Oh well ,...have an amazing year everyone!! And make resolutions.... no matter what they tell you and how much its made fun of.. MAKE resolutions!! Nobody's perfect yet, so let's improve. 

Kenyan Insecurity

I am so sick and tired of hearing our politicians blame the government for the recent insecurity cases. Don't get me wrong ...am not supporting the government or trying to paint it in good light. In fact I think its time people like ole lenku retired back to herding cattle in their father's boma.

But i still wonder, must a person sit on the presidential seat to give his valuable advice on how to combat terrorism? If indeed they care about Kenya and want the best for it, don't you at least think they would sit down with the likes of Uhuru and give their input on the issue? If indeed their advice worked, i can assure you (as a PR student) they would surely win the 2017 elections. Even i would vote for them!! Instead this serious problem has been turned into a blame game....a battle for power. Like hungry hyenas lusting for the big seat while people die. Feeding off peoples fears and anger....so well calculated.

One might even think these attacks are  internally organized.... am meant to understand that both Ethiopia and Uganda have their forces in Somalia but somehow Kenya is the only country facing the wrath of these religiously confused mongrels. I say religiously confused because no religion advocates for violence.... they are recruiting into a cult and tarnishing the name of Islam.

What makes life valuable is that it doesn't last forever. In my view, there is no point of killing a person just because they don't see the world through your eyes. Live and let live....we are all destined to die some day whether we lived for Allah, Baal, Jesus, Jah ...*name them*. #peace.

Where is my cool?

*picks up mic*
*clears throat*

I have a feeling I am no longer as cool as I used to be.

I am currently a twenty something year old who hardly parties anymore or tries out new stuff...its the kind of twenty something where you spend 70% of your day scared of the future and praying really hard you don't end up a failure. All your past mistakes flash before your eyes.... like that time you drunk too much and had a one night stand with a total stranger that probably did not look so healthy...too skinny maybe? Thin hair...*makes the catholic cross sign*. Oh boy oh boy! ...., that kind of thinking can suck the life out of anybody. 

My brother who is 17  could also be a major contributor to my feelings of being uncool. He somehow  thinks am old enough to be his guardian. Every god damn time he goes broke he hits me up ....sending me messages that prove too hard to understand. I know I misuse English but this little dude takes it to a whole new level....with x x's and abbreviations of words that are too short to be abbreviated in the first place. ..."hae d.a xiz xtill wain' 4 de cash" *screams* he somehow gets the spelling of CASH right though and when did 'dear' turn to 'd.a'? P.s I should be the fun sister he talks to about girls and fun stuff not pocket money and how hard life is. Anyway, I am putting him up for adoption...I hope its not too late. (Anyone interested in raising a hormonal teenager?) Maybe if I get rid of him I can feel young and cool again.

Being my age also means I need to be in a stable relationship otherwise am branded a grasshopper  ..eating here and there!  I am not complaining, in fact being taken comes with a lot of perks...like...like...ummh.., love! Yes, like love...but have you seen how hot men are getting this days?! Eh? Where were they during my single days...(1946) Back in the day most dudes I hang out with were either broke drunkards or immature kids who needed a ten year course on how to treat a woman. Now ...its raining gentlemen left right and centre, and i cant even flirt. Smh....

Somebody help me find my cool again!:

*walks away sheepishly*
*probably bumps into something *
*runs back to return the mic*

My Dress my Choice!

I happened to watch the video of the lady who was stripped naked by some stupid ass, broke ass, horny ass touts who've probably not seen any p*#sy since their mothers pushed them out! Poor woman... It is so heartbreaking what nairobi has turned into. If it were some "nyangechoma" village maybe we could excuse their barbaric behavior but Nairobi cbd?? Washamba hao....and what makes it worse is the double standards those horny pricks have. Were it a white woman in a hot pant passing by, none of them would even bat an eye....but god forbid its one of their own!! Such moral hypocrisy *spits in disgust*

If Niggers pulled that shit on me...ooh I tell you, bullets would fly...bodies would drop, I would probably kill their young and eat them raw just to express my disapointment...then maybe turn to vodoo and kill them slowly with dark magic to let the world know of my anger and finally...(yes shit is going down!)...*insert evil laugh for dramatic effect*.....I would burry them in unmarked graves as I let go of the pain and humiliation! (Too dark?) Muhahaha...

Anyway, in which century do you as a man undress a woman for showing too much skin? What is the logic behind that? I bet the homopithecus woman walked naked and nobody ripped their body hairs off in protest! Nkt!! May their daughters be treated the same way they treat women!
#mydressmychoice you don't like it? Don't stare... better yet, rip your god damn eyes off.

The best thing to do when you spot someone dressed like a funny looking skank....laugh! Laugh it off behind their backs like a normal person and let it slide. Its never that serious!! 

Click here to watch the gruesome video.