Fifty shades of Grey

I just got to chapter 11 of fifty shades of grey and....lord Jesus! Jeso! Holy shit, is it hot in here? Phew!! Anyway, *fanning myself* am definitely a little bit excited by all the ravishing...the alpha male domineering, oh and the countless orgasms ooooh* what is it I wanted to write about again? ....oh yeah, the money concept!! But first, the depression that comes with reading the romantic rendezvous of Ana and Mr. Grey! How can one one woman be so lucky , every woman dreams of a perfect 'first time' with a bed full of rose petals, candles, endless big O's and yes, that dashing mr. Right to top up the fantasy. Sad how most ladies end up with a nasty first time experience! Probably makes you squirm thinking about it!huh? Or smile ...what do I care! Am too preoccupied with Ana's account...

Back to the real issue, I feel as though the money bit is what makes Mr Grey all the more attractive. Say Ana had gone to interview a guy in kariobagi who runs a ...jua kali business, lets just try and picture it for arguments sake, so this kariobangi guy is equally handsome, does she feel intimidated by the sight of him stroking his sweaty lip? And when he passes by the shop she works at, is it cute or stalker-ish? See what am to driving at?? As in, replace the helicopter ride with a matatu ride and Mr. Grey looses his sex appeal!! By the time he gets to the point of showing her his "play room" given the kariobangi situation she's running for the hills scared he's a serial killer with a very weird fettish!

Money has come to define romance in this day and age, if its not expensive and fancy its not romantic enough! And as long as there is money involved , its regarded right and romantic!! Money is the modern day language of love And guess what, the concept is slowly becoming socially acceptable! A rich and powerful man can sexually use you, he doesn't even have to give you cash, the thought of being wanted by a man that could have any woman he wants makes it all worth it. If he can give the world to you he can freely make you a sex slave and its ''romantic". Am about to start chapter 11, hope a'l still be immune to all the bullshit when am done reading it. Lovely Night fellow insomniacs!

Huddah...Hush!!!

I had sworn off the subject of Kenyan socialites but this just got to me...what you ask?
OK, so yesterday as am going through a few pictures on instagram I happen to come across a little video posted by pretty little miss thang' , goes by the name Huddah the boss chic , which is quite old coz nearly 15% of all girls on instagram call themselves bosses and am here wondering, "who dafuq are you a boss to?" Anyway back to the story... so in this little video she's wearing a pair of diamond earrings (we are yet to establish they were not some fakes made of glass) and she goes, "heeeee diayamonds!" And I immediately hide under the table wondering, is this how she speaks? So unpolished? With a heavy Kikuyu accent disguised as Naija accent? Is this what Kenya sounds like to her 162k followers? How has our Nation wronged you dear God?

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with accents but when you carry yourself like the creme Dela crème of society, you better act like it and speak like it even if it means faking it like her counterpart sidika does! Otherwise just shut up and let people idolize you in their heads as a flawless and eloquent woman! Do not spoil the fantasy that is "Huddah the boss chic"

So, the torture went on in another part 2 of the video,
Miss thang': How much did these cost you maaa nikahh? A million US dollars?
Mystery man that wants to bang her: one pont five millian dollars!!
Miss thang': eee, look at him!
(Huddahs heart skips a beat and her legs fly wide open)

THE END (sigh)

Chronic laziness

My life is in a rut right now ... I feel stuck in a very weird place and I am completely clueless on what I should do to make it  meaningful once again! I am currently the king(yes KING) of jobless corner and until i get a job i cant get anything done. I wake up, watch a comedy series, spread the bed , watch a few more episodes, eat a smokie, shower, watch the remaining episodes as i obsess over what to eat for supper, eat, internet, sleep. The next day i repeat the same boring routine! I think a'l just link up with my fellow jobless corner peeps at jeevanjee gardens soon! Just to break from the routine ...We can curse the education system and blame the government the entire day or whatever it is those guys do.

As a result of these deep feelings of uselessness , I am behind on my school project*make that two months behind *, i am not in a hurry to move into a house yet, ok maybe thats coz am so scared of going broke and getting kicked out by the landlord?! How embarrassing would that be? *heavens forbid*, i have temporarily quit applying for jobs mostly coz am tired of people asking if i got it! What's worse is that...I was thinking of taking up french classes in Nairobi aviation to keep me busy but with the recent expose by ntv maybe that's not a very good idea...they might end up teaching me luhya instead! And there is no way am joining alliance fraincè /francé *where is auto correct when you need it!?*....Don't get me wrong, its an amazing school but I cannot afford to make rich friends right now! I don't want people dragging me to java for a bite or stuff like that, am very comfortable and happy with my Sanford and kenchic buddies at the moment *no offense to you guys #nawapenda*.

Bottom line is, whether its a rut or just a case of chronic laziness I need to do something about it ASAP....okay, as soon as I finish this amazing comedy  am watching!

The "Happy holidays friends"

Its a brand new year!! Whoop! whoop! I will avoid complaining and start appreciating things and people around me more...yeah sit down and read my resolutions *am one of those guys* but first, I have to point out a tintsy wintsy thing that bugged me this festive season...

Ummmh... The "Happy holidays friends" God forgive me for being this unappreciative but... Am I the only one that got the long emotional messages from people I haven't spoken to in over a year! In fact, prolly *I hate that slang I meant to say probably but I have to conform to society's needs so...* prolly since last December..."we have been through a lot this year and I am so grateful to god to have had you by my side through it all. I do not know where I would have been without you. You are truly gods gift to me!  God bless you my dearest!"

Okay am taking the blessings but you can keep all the irrelevant forwarded mushy stuff that don't apply.... plus I would like to think am Gods gift to the world ...you know expand my horizons and stuff. Yeah, that came out right! Just the right amount of self absorbed.

Anyhu...I wanna point out a few other stuff that pissed me off but you know what?! Its a new year... I don't want to start it by "rubbing people the wrong way!" (Is that how that saying goes or did I just sound like a pervert?) Oh well ,...have an amazing year everyone!! And make resolutions.... no matter what they tell you and how much its made fun of.. MAKE resolutions!! Nobody's perfect yet, so let's improve. 

Kenyan Insecurity

I am so sick and tired of hearing our politicians blame the government for the recent insecurity cases. Don't get me wrong ...am not supporting the government or trying to paint it in good light. In fact I think its time people like ole lenku retired back to herding cattle in their father's boma.

But i still wonder, must a person sit on the presidential seat to give his valuable advice on how to combat terrorism? If indeed they care about Kenya and want the best for it, don't you at least think they would sit down with the likes of Uhuru and give their input on the issue? If indeed their advice worked, i can assure you (as a PR student) they would surely win the 2017 elections. Even i would vote for them!! Instead this serious problem has been turned into a blame game....a battle for power. Like hungry hyenas lusting for the big seat while people die. Feeding off peoples fears and anger....so well calculated.

One might even think these attacks are  internally organized.... am meant to understand that both Ethiopia and Uganda have their forces in Somalia but somehow Kenya is the only country facing the wrath of these religiously confused mongrels. I say religiously confused because no religion advocates for violence.... they are recruiting into a cult and tarnishing the name of Islam.

What makes life valuable is that it doesn't last forever. In my view, there is no point of killing a person just because they don't see the world through your eyes. Live and let live....we are all destined to die some day whether we lived for Allah, Baal, Jesus, Jah ...*name them*. #peace.

My Dress my Choice!

I happened to watch the video of the lady who was stripped naked by some stupid ass, broke ass, horny ass touts who've probably not seen any p*#sy since their mothers pushed them out! Poor woman... It is so heartbreaking what nairobi has turned into. If it were some "nyangechoma" village maybe we could excuse their barbaric behavior but Nairobi cbd?? Washamba hao....and what makes it worse is the double standards those horny pricks have. Were it a white woman in a hot pant passing by, none of them would even bat an eye....but god forbid its one of their own!! Such moral hypocrisy *spits in disgust*

If Niggers pulled that shit on me...ooh I tell you, bullets would fly...bodies would drop, I would probably kill their young and eat them raw just to express my disapointment...then maybe turn to vodoo and kill them slowly with dark magic to let the world know of my anger and finally...(yes shit is going down!)...*insert evil laugh for dramatic effect*.....I would burry them in unmarked graves as I let go of the pain and humiliation! (Too dark?) Muhahaha...

Anyway, in which century do you as a man undress a woman for showing too much skin? What is the logic behind that? I bet the homopithecus woman walked naked and nobody ripped their body hairs off in protest! Nkt!! May their daughters be treated the same way they treat women!
#mydressmychoice you don't like it? Don't stare... better yet, rip your god damn eyes off.

The best thing to do when you spot someone dressed like a funny looking skank....laugh! Laugh it off behind their backs like a normal person and let it slide. Its never that serious!! 

Click here to watch the gruesome video.

Nobody Cares!

"Nobody is interested in your success other than you!!"...  I remember our lecturer telling us that in class and students mumbling in detest but honestly speaking, ...I couldn't agree with him more! You think people lose sleep over that promotion you are waiting for? Nobody gives a fuck,  believe me... Unless of cos they depend on you financially .

Your failures on the other hand....ooh.... now that, hahaa..people live for that shit. They enjoy saying stuff like, "poor dude, whatever happened to him? He had so much potential" ..."nilijua tu hakuna place atafika"  blah blah blah .... in fact, they will bond over your failures! High fives will fly as they laugh out loud and friendships will be formed between your common enemies ...  it is just the way of the world  but we are sometimes too blind to notice. I do not live in a dark world as most of you are probably thinking right now..all am saying is, Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

So the next time you want to post a picture or a status informing people how hard you hustle and how much you aspire to make it in life...remember this, Nobody Cares!! Work in silence and let your success make the noise. But hey, what do I know!

Njoki Chege

I recently read the hyped up article by Njoki Chege and here is the vibe I got about her which am guessing all the pissed off men did to.......not that it matters but am just going to put it out there nonetheless;
1. Her idea of a romantic setting is one with a diamond in it. You know, if you hail from Roysambu or south B there is no way you could match up to her standards unless you are a jewelry thief.

2. Her hobby is collecting romantic antiques...rich old geezers. If you are below the age of 34...you are probably too young, immature and definitely too broke. Your cheap Subaru imprezzas don't impress her!

3. Her motto is; dough or die!! Get it? ...doh, mulla, doh!!! Sadly that is the motto of most modern day spinsters. So its fair to say she is an aspiring spinster.

4. Its hard to figure out what she would have found attractive about men if she had lived before money was invented. Honestly though,... take away the three million cars, fancy dinners, broke men that repulse her for their inability to feed their mouths past the 15th of every month and what do you have left to stir some emotion in her?...... * still thinking**....I would have to go with the village elders maybe or the village loner that did not participate in drinking ceremonies...lol

5. She brings out the worst in men...all eligible bachelors consider her too high maintenance and fake to bother hitting on while all the men she wants, are too busy being married to even notice her desperate rants.

6. She harbors great sympathy for the 34 year old lonely man who needs someone to share his bank account and big cars with....but hardly notices the mature well behaved 34 year old that rides Kenya bus from south B to his humble job.

7. She may get married someday (though am still betting on the spinster thing) .....she is just waiting for the right amount to come along!

Not that her article was extreme or anything, in fact most girls echo her sentiments in the privacy of their friendship circles. If I was to take a wild guess, I would say 95 percent of girls want to date a rich guy and anyone that tells you otherwise is a lying pretentious wh0re!

As a man you are probably thinking , '' but my girl loyal and I ain't got no cash!" Haha...Well, let me burst that bubble you are living in before you run out of air....That bitch has seen potential in you and she knows its worth the wait. She will stick around because the future is bright. Women are very calculative creatures...believe me, It not your over the top sex game as you previously imagined!! ...and if it is, then you are getting dumped as soon as she realizes amazing sex won't fend for her children!
Unless of cos you decide to go professional and become a Man whore.

Anyway the point of all this yardie yarda is....people don't go saying that shit on respectable mass media, it should be reserved for gutter press like this blog. So next time miss Chege , avoid using money-syllables!!

*just so you know I lie in the 5% that don't give a fuck about money*

Sins of Men

Here lies a list of things I hate in
Men! I call them the sinful traits of men...Those with such traits should be arrested and burned at the stake (OK that's a bit extreme) but you get the drift....

The Conquest Man
Now this is the kind of man that  keeps tab on all the pussy he's put his dick in. His main aim in life is to copulate with more women than mswati himself. Where do I even start on this one...well its kiddish, immature, evil, witchcraft, abomination, ebola-ish, apocalyptic and plain sad! And Just when you think it cant get any worse with this type they go telling people, even girls they hope to bang the number they've conquered! Chill dude, my pussy is not a game of thrones kingdom. How do you even count? Throw a stone in a jar every time you have sex? Baah, so disgusting! That is how people get Cervical cancer!

The Stingy man
Live within your means but by all means spoil me within your means. Some guys though...Eish!! mkono wa birika I tell you! Not that I need
Chanel or Gucci but dude make an effort. Some men will call you over bang the living hell out of you and send you off with twenty Bob fare. The only reason you get the twenty Bob is to make sure you don't spend the night at their place! Advice to such Jamaas...invest in a pocket pussy *clears throat* obviously you will save more of those twenty bobs. Cheap bastards nkt!!

The Mtaa Guy
You know, that dude that says ,"utanipea vitu mrembo" translate that to any language and its still the most mtaa shit av ever heard.... and no! "Hakuna vitu unapata hapa buda, jipe shughli"
Unless you are "Alejandro" which is synonym for sexy ass man! Don't be vague about sex....please don't! Chances are, you will end up in jail with sexual harrasment charges!

The Self proclaimed Bad Boy
Hahahaha! Nigga pliz ...that shit stopped being cute 5 years ago when we were still teenagers!  Get in tune with your age. A twenty something year old bad boy is called an irresponsible man. Now you know.

Stone Age

I would hate to end up like them, I want to enjoy life in the simplest of forms. Nothing fancy, nothing flashy just life! But that is the hardest thing to do in this goddamn century. With all this social media platforms, Its like everyone has to conform otherwise you are dubbed uncool. Or people just assume you are poor!

Take instagram for instance, everybody's life is awesome...literary! Everyone captions their pictures "my life is awesome" and don't get me wrong...I appreciate positivity but when its overdone it just has this fake vibe to it. Where did realism disappear to? People will take pictures(selfies) in other peoples cars and say, "this traffic is driving me crazy!" Bet it doesn't drive you crazy when you are in that usual matatu...now that's a selfie I would like to see. With that sweaty guy seated next to you photo bombing !! Others will post big bundles of cash that don't belong to them with the caption ,"we out here grinding!" Or "I hustle hard bitch!" What are you grinding on exactly?? ....okay somebody hand me a gun!! Something has to be done!!

So as a way of keeping sane...I uninstalled my instagram app. My watsapp too...coz am tired of people hitting me up just coz they are bored and have nothing better to do! If its serious or urgent enough they will find time and credit to scroll for my number and call me... or just message me old school style. Yes am stone age like that! :-)

Life after death

Just the other day a friend of mine lost somebody close to her...and I could not help but wonder what is the point of our existence or "living", if you want it to sound meaningful, if at the end of the day we just die.

I know most of our religions believe in life after death but to a critical thinker its just that, a mere belief. Yet somehow it gives an individual a deep sense of peace even at the moment of death...research shows that non religious people are most scared of death, I guess its because it habours within it the fear of the unknown. Its like being told to walk into a dark room all alone and you have no idea what awaits you...it could be filled with beautiful things and all you have to do is switch on the light or.....full of monsters waiting to devour you!! Or maybe its just that, darkness!! Endless darkness.

Some German scientist conducted an experiment with 944 volunteers where they would put them in a state of clinical death for around 20 minutes then resuscitate them.
The long period was recently made possible by the development of the new cardiopulmonary recitation (CPR) machine called the auto pulse. Now here's the Wow effect, the machine has been used over the last few years to reanimate people who had been dead  for somewhere between 40 minutes to 1 hour!!
Anyway, The purpose of this crazy experiment was to try and establish the possibility of life after death by asking the participants to try and recall anything that happened during the "minutes of death".
All the subjects had some memory of their period of clinical death, most common memories were a feeling of detachment from the body, feelings of levitation, total serenity, security, warmth, the experience of absolute dissolution and the presence of an overwhelming light.
Note that the religious beliefs of the various subjects held no base to their memories.

So there you have it, Death is not the "dead end"! There is life after death. Science just echoed what religion has been telling us all this years.

Random rants

I have a tendency of making people feel a little more important than they actually are in my life. I let people down easy even when they disgust me, am the kind of girl that will keep contact with my one night stands so that they do not think i used them for mere sex and sometimes, actually most times i laugh out loud to some of the stalest jokes just to make the other person feel a little better about themselves.
I used to think that kind of behavior was okay and its what everyone does but honestly fuck that shit. I am choking and drowning in a pool of giving pity fucks...am sorry for using such vulgar words!
I think am emotionally unstable... i blame the Meru Blood flowing through my veins. Thank God am using my words,Not a machete like my forefathers did.

So in one of my tantrums  i deleted some of my blog posts....a few that implicated me in crimes, hahaa they were a little bit similar to written confessions. Some though, not that they would get me in trouble but because i felt some things are not worth my time and memory. Its a waste of my brain space....i only write an edited version of the shit that i go through so i do not expect anyone of you to understand what am ranting about right now. Bottom line is... F#$% the person that got me feeling like this today.

Just Blubber

 Its amazing the number of perverted friends i have on Facebook. Every time i share a post tagged sex... 90 percent of the traffic is from you guys, yes you! i see you!! I get double the hits,but the problem with getting amazing hits on a post is, the next day i feel very blank and empty. its like every idea i come up with sounds shitty as hell.

Anyway, am thinking of writing about careers and education and tagging it ''blow jobs'' or  ''is it time to try anal?'' God, that sounds dirty! yes,... i feel very ashamed of myself right now. What kind of woman says such disgusting things?lol

Point is, i wanna get you guys reading constructive material. Like the recent university strike and all the problems facing Kenya! Politics and the likes. hahaha!! who am i kidding?, that is never happening! just know this,.....

So yesterday on my way home i got hit on by a drunk conductor....that's how a one hour journey feels like five hours. He showed me the money he made in that one round... Squeezing himself next to me! Asking for my number and promising future free rides. why am i even telling this story? i was so embarrassed and am really hoping no one in that city shuttle knew me.

And today i woke up to a watsapp message from my cousin asking if i stalk my Exes!! No, accusing me of stalking my exes!!I plan on writing about that itchy topic on my next blog post. For now,.some of us have to work so,  Xoxo!!

Dysfunctional

They say a real relationship or rather friendship begins after your first argument, cause then you get to to see and experience the ugly side of a person. From that you can make up your mind on whether you are willing to overlook the ugly and let them into your life.
This weekend i went out with a certain "friend" of mine. I say friend in quotes cause even i don't know how to describe our relationship. It is complicated i guess, we try to reel each other emotionally in only to destroy and wreck whoever gets a little bit attached. To say the least it is dysfunctional and unhealthy. I know we've all been there!
So we are driving through Westlands and we get in a fight and the guy decides he wants to kick me out of his car,(he's got this mean streak going on)....it's in the middle of the night,we are on a street i do not recognize and am dressed in a little slutty dress (i do not feel very creative today so i wont waste time trying to paint a mental picture)....therefore, see below pic

...all this time am thinking, there is no way in hell am getting out of this car! dressed like that i was probably going to get mugged and raped or best case scenario get arrested by cops thinking am a prostitute! You think that's far fetched? Get this, two of my friends got arrested one time under similar circumstances they are lucky it did not end up in their records! LOL
Back to that depressing story.... I sat there really quiet and hating myself for leaving the house in the first place, contrary to what most of you think of me, am a pretty soft and squishy person on the inside, wearing a tough face is just survival mechanism. I kinda broke down crying which is a little bit embarrassing but who can blame me?
Anyway he later apologized but i still think he should be marched through the streets and have people throw rotten tomatoes and fruits at him, .......

well, a girl can only dream i guess!!









The rest of the evening turned out pretty great by the way, i had a perfect excuse to get drunk! and who knew drinking at a parking lot could actually be fun? Too bad am quitting alcohol, i know it sounds cliche but i plan on following through with it...twelve steps and all. I have come to realize that most of my drama is alcohol related and i need a drama free life. Call it maturity.

Prince Charming

There comes a certain time in every woman s life when everyone is up on your neck about Marriage. Ladies you probably know what am talking about. I would like to think of myself as a little too young for that but my mum and aunt think different. The first time i told them i was working at the airport, their reactions were "Nice so when are you bringing your pilot boyfriend home?" NO! i do not unbutton my shirt every time a plane touches down and flirt with the captain. 

Not to forget the time i was joining university in Eldoret and they were so sure my children would be amazing runners! get it? 

You know what, chances are i will end up getting married to a teacher, someone i can see every single day and get three whole months a year to just hang in the house with. Or maybe it will be a drug lord....LOL you know how it is, one can never be so sure with this things.

For now, am just waiting to see which one turns into my prince charming....

Butterflies

Turns out my weekend was not as boring and as predictable as i expected! I went out with my roommate who was just done with her exams so you can imagine how that went down. I wouldn't wanna give you guys the details since that would be like outing all those ladies that tell their men ,"just hanging out with the girls baby!" but picture this, booze, twerking, random men, junk food, weed, smokes and drunk calls. plus... minus a few things depending on how bad she is. 

Heey baby! this is how i look wen am calling you drunk!

Monday is here....i finally went out on my first marketing gig and boy did i love it. My love for marketing is real, though i sat there quiet since i dint know what to say i enjoyed watching our Marketing executive do her thing and i don't know if this is possible but i feel as though this is my calling. No seriously though, I want to do this for the rest of my life! unless of course i get something that pays waay better!Lol  (so much for loyalty)

In other news i plan to dedicate myself to working real hard on my relationship. Anyone that's been with me can attest to how much i get bored easily. I know its a sad trait so am working on it. I plan on fixing things rather than running away from them. Never give up on something beautiful for a few butterflies in the stomach...

That's food for thought!

xoxo.